Harry Potter: Simplified
by Schubaltz
Summary: For anyone who was confused by this great story, this fic probably won't help.
1. The Boy Who Lived

Okay, I got an idea and I'm, like Yeah! An idea! So I'm writing a story about Harry Potter. This story will not be taken seriously, so if you want a serious story, TOUGH BALOGNE! Here's the story.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter. I wish I did, but I don't. If I owned Harry Potter, I wouldn't be writing this story. I'd be busy swimming in piles of cash. But the sad truth is, I don't own HP. Heck, I barely own much of anything anyway. Anyway, I got this idea from reading Dave Barry. Which I don't own.  
  
HARRY POTTER: SIMPLIFIED  
  
BOOK 1  
  
THE SORCERER'S STONE  
  
There once were some people named the Dursleys. They all tried to be normal. They were all fat, especially Dudley. He was an elephant in a boy's body. But Harry wasn't fat...  
  
HARRY: HA HA! I'm not fat!  
  
DUDLEY: Shut up.  
  
HARRY: But what if I told everyone about me being ma-  
  
MRS. DURSLEY: STOP! Don't you dare say that word!  
  
HARRY: What? Marmalade?  
  
MR. DURSLEY: Just for that, we're going you send you to your room!  
  
HARRY: But I live under the stairs.  
  
DUDLEY: So? You're abnormal! You deserve to live in a cupboard.  
  
HARRY: Well, you look like Gollum.  
  
DUDLEY: I do not!  
  
MR. DURSLEY: HARRY! GO!  
  
Harry trudged off to his cupboard, very unhappy. You see, Harry was magic. The Dursleys weren't magic. A long time ago, Harry's parents died and Harry was left on their doorstep. The Dursleys hated Harry because he wasn't normal.  
  
HARRY: They hate me because I'm not normal.  
  
Yes, I just said that. Anyway, the night Harry was put on their doorstep a long time ago, two magic people were outside. -flashback-  
  
MCGONA-.....MCGONNAHGULL...MCG...Oh, whatever. We'll just call her MC.  
  
MC: Hello, Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, which Harry will attend at the age of eleven.  
  
ALBUS: You're giving out too much information.  
  
MC: Bite me.  
  
A flying motorcycle lands and a giant man gets off.  
  
HAGRID: Hello, Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, which Harry will attend at the age of eleven.  
  
ALBUS: Will you stop that?!  
  
HAGRID: Sorry. I have here Harry Potter. He's a baby.  
  
ALBUS: Yes, I know.  
  
HAGRID: I'm jest doin' it fur the readers. Anyway, this here Harry Potter survived an attack by thu evil wizurd You-Know-Who after You-Know-Who killed 'is parents. Somehow, You-Know-Who's attack backfired an' he killed 'imself!  
  
ALBUS: Yes, I know.  
  
HAGRID: Doin' it fur thu readers! Here's thu Potter kid.  
  
ALBUS: Thank you. And by the way, I don't like to call the evil guy You-Know-Who. I like to call him by his real name-Voldemort.  
  
Hagrid and MC shudder at the word.  
  
MC: Wait, what's that on his head? A twizzler?  
  
ALBUS: No, It's a scar left by Voldemort's attack.  
  
HAGRID: Eww...  
  
ALBUS: I will now put Harry on the doorstep.  
  
-End Flashback- So, now you see the beginning. Harry Potter, the boy who lived!  
  
I am so gonna get flames for this story, telling me what I did wrong. Oh, well. I ignore flames. 


	2. The Vanishing Glass

Wow! I'm surprised by all the positive reviews! That's great! I feel inspired!........Hey, there's an idea! I could watch a Monty Python and Black Adder marathon! I'll do that later. Here's the next bit of the story. Oh yeah: this fic's gonna have the same amount of chapters as the first HP book.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I still don't own Harry Potter. Hey, why do we even have to write disclaimers? It's pointless because nobody on fanfiction.net owns the stuff they write about.  
  
HARRY POTTER: SIMPLIFIED  
  
BOOK 1  
  
THE SORCERER'S STONE  
  
It is nearly ten years, eleven months, forty-seven weeks, three hours, ten minutes, eleven seconds and one codfish after Harry's drop-on-the-doorstep. As I said earlier, the Dursleys hated Harry.  
  
HARRY: I think It's because of my name.  
  
DUDLEY: Yeah, It's an awful name.  
  
HARRY: Nobody asked you, you bloated squirrel.  
  
DUDLEY: Well, at least my name isn't Harry.  
  
HARRY: So? Who would call their kid Dudley? Is that short for Milk Dud?  
  
Dudley punches Harry very hard.  
  
MRS. DURSLEY: Oh Dudley dear! Come over here, you bithday boy! It's time for us to cater to your every whim, call Harry names, praise you, give you gifts, and possibly even buy you a house of your own! Hell, who cares about our needs? We'll sleep on the street! You can have the whole house! We have shredded cheese for brains!  
  
DUDLEY: Sweet.  
  
Dudley opens all his presents and Mrs. Dursley answers the telephone.  
  
MRS. DURSLEY: Oh, dear. I just got off the phone with Mrs. Figg, who can't baby-sit Harry during Duddy-Wuddy-Snuddy-Luddy-Kin's trip to the zoo!  
  
MR. DURSLEY: What about Mrs.[Insert evil-sounding name here]?  
  
MRS. DURSLEY: She can't. Nobody can. I guess we'll have to take him with us.  
  
MR. DURSLEY: I'm warning you, Harry! No funny business, such as removing the glass from a python cage!  
  
HARRY: Sure. It's cool, Daddy-O.  
  
MR. DURSLEY: Don't say that. Now let's go!  
  
During the trip, Harry has the stupidity to mention to these people that he had a dream about a flying motorcycle.  
  
MR. DURSLEY: MOTORCYCLES DON'T FLY!!!!  
  
HARRY: Yeah, I know. It was a dream.  
  
MR. DURSLEY: SHUT UP!!! You might get dangerous ideas....  
  
HARRY: Like what?  
  
MR. DURSLEY: Um, uh......well, that's not important! STOP TALKING!!!  
  
Finally, they arrive at the zoo. Harry sees a gorilla that looks like Dudley, and they go to the reptile house. Harry sees a python.  
  
PYTHON: Hi!  
  
HARRY: Oo  
  
PYTHON: Whassup, ma home dawgg?  
  
HARRY: Oo You're talking....  
  
PYTHON: Yo, dat's right! Ah can talk to ya!  
  
HARRY: .........  
  
PYTHON: Lemme out, please?  
  
HARRY: Sure!  
  
Harry suddenly imagines the glass gone, and away it goes! The python slithers away into the crowd.  
  
RANDOM GUY: Hey, look, a python.  
  
RANDOM GUY#2: Yep.  
  
MR. DURSLEY: Harry you little BLEEP!!! I can't believe you went and BLEEPIN did such a BLEEP thing!!!  
  
Later, Harry is sitting in his cupboard and he falls asleep. He thinks about how his parents died. He thinks they died in a car crash. If he tries to remember, he can remember a bright green light and a pain from the scar on his head. Yes, he still has that thing on his forehead.  
  
HARRY: What is it? A twizzler?  
  
Well, that's chapter 2. Hope you liked it. 


	3. The Letters From No One

HAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm back! Hooray for updates!.................................................Oh, crap! Hang on a sec............................................................................Back! I had to go check the teen titans episode guide on World'sFinest.com or whatever the freakin URL is. I forgot to tape an episode yesterday and I wanted to know which one it was. Anyway, time to write the story!  
  
DISCLAIMER: Hey, I'm just wondering: does anyone reading this collect Warhammer? Hordes of Chaos? I do, and I just want to know what the stats for the fiend of Slaanesh are. Well, as for the disclaimer, I STILL don't own Harry Potter. What a surprise.  
  
HARRY POTTER: SIMPLIFIED  
  
BOOK 1  
  
THE SORCERER'S STONE  
  
DUDLEY: I'm bored.  
  
DUDLEY'S GANG OF MINDLESS CRETINS: So are we.  
  
DUDLEY: Let's beat up Harry!  
  
HARRY: Oh crap.  
  
Harry decides to spend most of his time outdoors, pondering over....various things one might ponder over. One of these things is the fact that he must soon go to a school full of mindless cretins. Dudley, on the other hand, gets to go to a special school.  
  
HARRY: It's probably a weight loss clinic.  
  
DUDLEY: Hi, Harry! I'm wearing my new school uniform!  
  
HARRY: You look like a boy scout.  
  
Dudley smacks Harry with a big stick. Later on, Harry and his bruise are told to go get the mail.  
  
MRS. DURSLEY: Go get the mail, Harry and his bruise.  
  
BRUISE: Well, aren't we bossy today.  
  
HARRY: Shut up.  
  
Harry picks up the three letters.  
  
HARRY: Let's see...blah, bills, and....a letter for me!  
  
MRS. DURSLEY: A letter for you?!  
  
DUDLEY: A letter for him???  
  
CHORUS LINE: A letter for him!  
  
MR. DURSLEY: Gimme that!  
  
Mr. Dursley looks shocked as he looks at the letter.  
  
MR. DURSLEY: Petunia! On no! It's here! The acception letter sent by Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!  
  
HARRY: What was that?  
  
MRS. DURSLEY: Too much info., dear. Nothing, Harry. It's....a letter....from the...orthodontist.  
  
HARRY: No, seriously. What did you say?  
  
MR. DURSLEY: Nothing. Nothing at all. Go away. You can have Dudley's second bedroom.  
  
HARRY: Seriously?  
  
MR. DURSLEY: Yes, but there's a catch. You have to go away. NOW.  
  
The next morning...  
  
DUDLEY: Here's another letter for Harry!  
  
MR. DURSLEY: BURN IT!!!!  
  
HARRY: Noooooooo!!!!!!  
  
MR. DURSLEY: I've got it! Harry, GO TO YOUR ROOM!  
  
The next day, he got three letters. Then he got twelve. Then he got twenty-four. Then he got a live wombat in the mail.  
  
MR. DURSLEY: Enough! We're moving!  
  
After driving for, like, a really long time, they find a place to stay. A cabin on a rock in the middle of the ocean.  
  
HARRY: Well, this is stupid. But on the bright side, tomorrow's my birthday!  
  
That night, Harry slept on the floor. Outside, a storm raged and it rained politicians. Harry stares as Dubya hits the window.  
  
HARRY: Alright, that's just gay.  
  
DUBYA: Gay?!? GAY!!! NO GAY MARRIGES!!!  
  
HARRY: Whatever. Five minutes till I'm eleven. Four. Three. Two. One. Thirty seconds. Fifteen. Ten. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Thirty nano-sec-oh, who gives a-  
  
BOOM!!!!  
  
The whole shack shook. Someone was outside, knocking on the door.  
  
Well, that's chapter three. Oh, by the way: I'll only hate you forever and put a curse on your soul if you give me a real serious flame. I'll ignore the flame, but I'll make sure you burn in hell forever. But so far, nobody's given me a flame. Ever. And I've never given anyone else a flame. Ever. So, everything's all good. 


	4. The Keeper of the Keys

Holy crap. I have never gotten this many reviews before. I got twelve reviews in five days! That's insane! But kinda cool, actually. So from now on, my #1 priority for updates is this fic.  
  
DISCLAIMER: Well, better get the disclaimer over with. Idon'townharrypotter. There. I hope you sadistic fanfiction.net employees are happy. I wrote the damn disclaimer.  
  
HARRY POTTER: SIMPLIFIED  
  
BOOK 1  
  
THE SORCERER'S STONE  
  
BOOM! The person knocked again. Mr. Dursley runs into the room holding a rifle.  
  
MR. DURSLEY: AHA! I have a rifle!  
  
HARRY: Ya sure that's not a musket?  
  
MR. DURSLEY: Actually, It's a 13mm-oh, shut up.  
  
BOOM! The door falls on the floor with a thud.  
  
DOOR: Thud.  
  
A giant man is standing in the doorway. The same giant man that rode a flying motorcycle ten years earlier...Well, It's probably now eleven years. But that doesn't matter. The giant man had a big beard, a coat with a lotta pockets, and an umbrella.  
  
MR. DURSLEY: You mean the umbrella with the magic wand concealed in it that I'm not supposed to know about?  
  
HARRY: What was that?  
  
MRS. DUSLEY: Dear...  
  
The giant walks inside, puts the door back on, and sits on the couch.  
  
HAGRID: Hi, Harry.  
  
MR. DURSLEY: Go away, you big oaf!  
  
Hagrid grabs the gun and ties it into a...balloon animal! Yay balloon animals! Hagrid gives Harry a birthday cake.  
  
HARRY: Who are you?  
  
MR. DURSLEY: No one! Just some cousin of my aunt's son twice removed...unic.   
  
HAGRID: Stop quotin Sparrow. Harry, I'm Hagrid, Keeper o' Keys at 'ogwarts.  
  
HARRY: Whose warts?  
  
HAGRID: You don't know about Hogwarts? Didn't yeh get yer letters?  
  
HARRY: You mean the ones they burned?  
  
HAGRID: You mean that they 'aven't given yeh your letters?! They haven't told you that...  
  
HARRY: That what?  
  
HAGRID: You're a wizard, Harry.  
  
HARRY: Uh...yeah, I knew that.  
  
HAGRID: Oh. Well, yeh wern't supposed to.  
  
HARRY: Oops.  
  
HAGRID: Yeah, well, you jus sit there while I scream at thu Dursleys.  
  
Hagrid screams at the Dursleys. When he finishes, he gives Harry his letter.  
  
HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY  
  
Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore  
  
Order of Merlin, Supreme Fiddlemeister, Chigglety Snigglewump Class, Johhny  
  
Tremain is a gay book person of ultimate super-ness, blah blah blah blah blah.  
  
Harry, you're been accepted. Gimme your owl no later than June 31. Term begins  
  
Sep. 1.  
  
Yers truly, MC.  
  
Attached is a list of crap you gotta buy for school.  
  
HAGRID: Alright, I'll take you to buy the stuff tomorrow.  
  
MR. DURSLEY: He isn't going.  
  
Hagrid pulls out a missile launcher and kills Mr. Dursley. Or at least, that's what he should've done. Instead, he just calls him a muggle (non-magic person) and tells Harry why he's famous-how he survived lord voldemort and got a twizzler on his head.  
  
HARRY: Oh, now it makes sense.  
  
Dudley starts eating the cake. Hagrid shoots him with his umbrella wand and yells at the Dursleys some more. Then they all see a pig tail poke out of Dudley's pants. Hagrid and Harry leave.  
  
HARRY: That was mad awesome!  
  
HAGRID: Jus' don't tell anybody. I'm not allowed to use magic because I was expelled from school a long time ago.  
  
HARRY: Why?  
  
HAGRID: Shut up.  
  
That's chapter four. If you liked it, cool. If not, I could care less. 


	5. Diagon Alley

Yo. Me again. I know this is kind of random, but I just want to tell you all a serious fact that can no longer be denied! A fact that the world MUST KNOW! NOW!!! The fact is.....drum roll.....I HATE THE WHOLE FREAKIN' GOVERNMENT!!!!!! .........Now that I got that off my chest, here's something else:  
  
I don't like the fact that you can never tell who you're talking to. You have basically no idea who the person looks like, anything about him/her, or anything except the pen name! I find that disturbing. A person reading this could be a total retard or a really hot chick. I say chick because I don't find guys appealing. I am a guy. Anyway, glad I got that off my chest as well. Well, actually, there's so much on my chest that I can't even find it.   
  
Oh, yeah, one more thing: I'm going to try to make the chapters a little longer, like I was asked.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I still no own Harry Potter.  
  
HARRY POTTER: SIMPLIFIED  
  
BOOK 1  
  
THE SORCERER'S STONE  
  
Harry woke early the next morning, thinking it was all just a dream.  
  
HARRY: I'm awaking early this morning, thinking it was all a dream.  
  
Will you stop that?  
  
HARRY: Stop what?  
  
Rephrasing everything I say!  
  
HARRY I don't rephrase everything you say.  
  
You're doing it now!  
  
HARRY: I am not doing it now!  
  
Oh, never mind. Harry thinks he's in his cupboard, hearing Mrs. Dursley tapping on the door.  
  
HARRY: I think I'm in my cupboard, hearing Mrs. Dursley tapping on the door.  
  
..............Deep....breathing....must not.......kill......Potter..........  
  
HARRY: I guess I'll wake up....to find myself with Hagrid! Yay! And there's an owl tapping on the window! Yay!  
  
.....I'm okay now. Harry opens the window to let the owl in, and it begins to attack Hagrid.  
  
HARRY: Yay!!!!  
  
HAGRID: Not yay! Better pay thu bloody bird fur bringin' me the paper.  
  
Hagrid pulls out wizard coins.  
  
HAGRID: These coins can be deposited in thu wizard bank, Gringotts. The bronze ones are Knuts, Silver ones are Sickles, an' gold ones are Galleons. Well, best be off to but yer school stuff. You 'ave plenty of money in Gringotts.  
  
HARRY: No kidding. Hagrid, why aren't muggles allowed to know about us?  
  
HAGRID: They would attack us with legions of angry pit bulls named Spike.  
  
HARRY: Oh.  
  
HAGRID: Well, here we are. Let's walk through thu streets of London until we come across a stinky old pub called the leaky caldron. Still 'ave yer letter?  
  
HARRY: Yes. It says I'll need the following stuff:  
  
Uniform:  
  
?Robes  
  
?More robes  
  
?Hat  
  
?Even more robes  
  
?Gloves  
  
?Cloak  
  
?Live Cherokee Indian  
  
Books:  
  
?Standard book of spells grade1  
  
?Magic for dummies  
  
?History of magic  
  
?Magical theory   
  
?Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah.  
  
Equipment:  
  
?Wand  
  
?Cauldron  
  
?The rest I don't feel like writing.  
  
Finally, they arrived at the leaky cauldron and everybody shook his hand.  
  
HARRY: It's as if I'm famous or something!  
  
HAGRID: No shit, Harry.  
  
A strange stuttering man wearing a turban approaches Harry. (Hey, have you ever noticed how a lot of bad guys wear turbans? Take Al-Quida, for instance)  
  
QUIRREL: M-M-My n-name is P-P-Prof-f-fessor Quirrel. I'll T-T-Teach you at H-H-Hogwarts.  
  
Later on, Harry and Hagrid go out to the back. Hagrid taps the wall and it opens to reveal.....a doberman! Aaaaahhh! No, seriously, It reveals a place called Diagon Alley. Wizard shops as far as the eye can see!  
  
First, they went to Gringotts, which is run by goblins. Harry gets his cash and Hagrid picks up a funny little package.  
  
HARRY: Ha Ha. That's a funny package.   
  
After that, they go buy lots of things. Hagrid buys Harry an owl for his birthday, Harry sees a cool broomstick called the Nimbus 2000, he meets a stuck-up snob called Draco Malfoy, and he buys a wand. But when he was at the wand-person's shop....  
  
WAND-PERSON: Strange.....this wand that you will have has a brother.  
  
HARRY: And a mom?  
  
WAND-PERSON: It's a technical term. This wand's brother was carried by the same person who gave you that twizzler-Voldemort.  
  
HARRY: Oh.  
  
HAGRID: Well, time to go. I have to get back to Hogwarts. Harry, you can stay at the leaky cauldron until It's time for you to go on the train to Hogwarts. Here's your pass.   
  
And with that, Hagrid was gone.  
  
Well, that chapter's done. Time to do my homework. Eighth grade's a pain. Thank god It's almost summer. 


	6. The Journey From Platform Nine and Three...

You know what? I just had the strangest desire to dress up like a viking and sing about spam! Yes, It's me again. Please do not scream and/or run away. Continue reading.   
  
Well, the reason I haven't updated in so long is because I was on vacation in Florida for two and a half weeks, with no access to a computer I was allowed to save documents on. But now I'm back, and I'm ready to finish writing this fic. .....Ok, not finish it. I'll just update it. It'll take me forever to finish it. I'll be eighty-one and still trying to finish chapter fifteen. So, here's chapter six.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own Harry Potter!!! No, just kidding. I don't own Harry Potter... or much of anything anyway. But I do own this fic. Kind of.  
  
HARRY POTTER: SIMPLIFIED  
  
BOOK 1  
  
THE SORCERER'S STONE  
  
Harry still had one final month to spend with the Dursleys (a.k.a. The Porky Dorks).  
  
DUDLEY: Don't call me a porky dork.  
  
HARRY: But you are a porky dork.  
  
DUDLEY: Am not!  
  
HARRY: As I recall, you still have a pig tail, porky pig.  
  
DUDLEY: Shut up.  
  
MRS. DURSLEY: Dudley! Get away from scary harry! He'll turn you into a frog!  
  
HARRY: ....Scary Harry?  
  
MR. DURSLEY: That's right, Dudley! Don't go anywhere near him!  
  
The Dursleys scurry off the stage, leaving scary harry to dress up like a viking and sing about spam.  
  
HARRY: I am not gonna sing about spam! Or dress up like a viking! And my name isn't scary harry!  
  
Sure it isn't.  
  
SCARY HARRY: Yeah, well I.....I....WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY NAME!?!  
  
Nothing, scary harry.  
  
SCARY HARRY: ENOUGH!!! Can we PLEASE just continue the fic???  
  
Whatever. In that case, It's time for you to go ask Mr. Porky dork to take you to King's cross train station tomorrow  
  
HARRY: Okay.  
  
Harry does so, and Mr. Porky dork agrees. The next day at ten, they reach King's Cross.  
  
MR. DURSLEY: You need platform nine and three quarters, huh? Good luck finding it!  
  
The porky dorks drive away laughing, leaving Harry and his bags and his viking costume at the station.  
  
HARRY: I'm warning you, disembodied narrator guy!  
  
Sorry. Anyway, you're currently trying to find platform nine-and-three-quarters.  
  
HARRY: Well, I see platforms nine and ten but I can't find my platform.  
  
Suddenly, Harry hears someone say something about muggles. He turns around to see....A GIANT VIKING SINGING ABOUT SPAM!!!!!  
  
HARRY: Seriously, cut it out! That joke's getting old.   
  
Really? I still find it funny. Well, you turn around to see four boys and a mom-type person, all with bright red hair. There was also a small dweeby girl with red hair holding the hand of the mom.  
  
HARRY:.........  
  
Two of the boys that looked like twins walked up and went through the dividing barrier. So did the older boy.  
  
HARRY: How did that just happen? They disappeared!  
  
Harry calls out to the remaining three people.  
  
HARRY: How do I get on to the train?  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: You have to run into the wall. Is it your first time? It's Ron's first time too.  
  
HARRY: I....have to...run into the...wall?  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: Yep.  
  
Harry breaks into a run and goes right through the wall. He sees the scarlet Hogwarts Express and the sign says "Platform nine and three quarters."  
  
RED-HAIRED PEOPLE: Hey, you're Harry Potter!  
  
HARRY: yeah.  
  
PERCY: And I'm a stuck-up prefect who will desert his family in the fifth book!  
  
RON: What was that?  
  
PERCY: nothing.  
  
FRED AND GEORGE: We'll help you with your bags!  
  
HARRY: Thanks, strange perky red-haired people.  
  
They got on the train and it left the station. Harry and Ron sat in one of the compartments. They talked a lot about magic, muggles, the world at large, and life in general. Their conversation started at the bottom of page 98 and lasted until the middle of page 105, at which point Hermione Granger, another stuck-up person, joined their conversation. They talked for another page before she left, then the two of them talked again till page 110. As you could guess, there was a lot of dialogue. At one point, they opened chocolate frogs. These things are, well, frogs that are made of chocolate. They have collectable famous witch and wizard cards inside each pack. They also talked about how someone broke into Gringotts but took nothing. They blabbed about quidditch, the game of magic people. At another time, they had a run-in with the stupid bitch named Draco Malfoy and his cronies named Crabbe and Goyle. Goyle was bitten by Ron's rat, Scabbers. Finally, the loudspeaker said they would arrive at Hogwarts. They did. They got their robes on and got off the train.  
  
HAGRID: Firs' years! Firs' year come wit me!  
  
HARRY: Hi, Hagrid!  
  
HAGRID: Shu' up, Harry. Come wit me 'cuz yer a firs' year. All firs' year wit me!  
  
RON: I think I'm a first year.   
  
HARRY: You're bright, Ron.  
  
Harry and the first years followed Hagrid down a dark path to a big lake. There were boats there.   
  
HAGRID: No more'n four to a boat!!  
  
They rowed across the lake and got their first sight of Hogwarts castle. 


	7. The Sorting Hat

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.  
  
Now, first of all, I'd like to apologize. The sentence above is not of my own creation. I just find it funny, so I posted it here. But now, the fanfiction.net police will hunt me down and eat me unless I type up some kind of disclaimer for that sentence. So, here's the mini-disclaimer!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the sentence at the top of the page.  
  
So there we have it. I'm currently safe. Now then, I also have some other stuff I'd like to say.  
  
1. Why is it that nobody even bothers to look at a person's profile page? As far as I know, not many people have seen mine. I know this because nobody has been calling me "High Lord Jeremy." Uh...not that my name is Jeremy! You don't know where I live either! DON'T STALK ME AT NIGHT WITH A HAMMER!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
2. I'd really appreciate if people would actually bother to log in instead of leaving anonymous reviews. Not that I have anything against anonymous reviews, but I usually like to click on the logged-in person's name who signed a review so I can go to their PROFILE PAGE and possibly READ THEIR STORIES!!!!!! And not enough people are LOGGING IN!!!!!!! ...Except DeannaSmith. She's left a signed review so many times, I know the names of a good deal of her fics by heart. (I say her because I'm pretty much positive she's a girl. Correct me if I'm wrong. Please do not sue.)  
  
Now, let's get on with the story. Chapter 7.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I Not be owning Harry Potter.  
  
HARRY POTTER: SIMPLIFIED  
  
BOOK 1  
  
THE SORCERER'S STONE  
  
Hagrid and the first years got off their little rowboats and walked up a massive flight of stairs. When they reached the top, Hagrid knocked.   
  
HAGRID: Knock.  
  
MC opened the door.  
  
HAGRID: These are thu firs' years, Mcgonnhu....Mickonugggg.....  
  
MC: McGonagall.  
  
HAGRID: Geez, what a name.  
  
MC: Geez, what a big smelly oaf you are.  
  
HAGRID: Don't call me a big smelly oaf.  
  
HERMIONE: But you ARE a big smelly oaf!  
  
HAGRID: Yeah? Well, I come equipped wit' two big smelly fists that could crush your skull.  
  
MC: Enough! Follow me through stone halls lit with torches and see the sights!  
  
HARRY: Sights?   
  
MC: ...And if you will look to your left, you can see magnificent marble staircases, originally developed by Flerb "the hand-wash-only" wizard of Denmark. And if you glance at the ceiling, you can-  
  
HERMIONE: Um, shouldn't we be attending some kind of, oh I dunno...sorting ceremony?  
  
MC: Yes. Follow me to a small, dimly lit room so I can give you your briefing.  
  
They follow her into a small, dimly lit room so they can be briefed.  
  
MC: welcome to Hogwarts.  
  
RANDOM WIZARD: Whose warts?  
  
MC: Shut it. While you are here, you will each be sorted into a house. There are four houses: Griffindor, Hufflepuff, Slytherin, and Ravenclaw.  
  
ANOTHER RANDOM WIZARD: You mean Slytherin, the house that a lot of evil magic people went to school in?  
  
MC: You shut it too. When you have your house, triumphs will gain you points and rule-breaking will lose you points. If you try to tap-dance with a squirrel, you will have to divide your current points by the number seven, add 42, subtract five and add the LCM of 28 and the number of current head lice you have.  
  
HARRY: ooookaaayy....  
  
MC: If you have any questions, you can submit it in writing form in that box behind that desk, or you can visit my web site at Mcgonagallisastupidho.com.  
  
Mc leaves the room and several ghosts drift through a wall.  
  
RANDOM WITCH: Hey, look at that.  
  
RON: Yeah.  
  
GHOSTS: Hello.  
  
MC: Go away, ghosts.  
  
The ghosts go away.  
  
HERMIONE: Shouldn't we go into the great hall and get sorted?  
  
MC: No.....that's just what they'd be expecting us to do....  
  
(Sorry, got that from Airplane. Don't sue.)  
  
Finally, they go to the great hall and see four long tables with...like...a LOT of people sitting at each table. At a small table at the front of the hall, there sits a small old hat. Behind the hat is a long table with seats for the teachers. At the middle seat is Albus Dumbledore. Harry suddenly saw that the ceiling was enchanted to look like the night sky outside. There were candles floating in the air above the tables. Suddenly, the small old hat began to sing. Harry and the others sat in stunned silence until the hat finished.  
  
HAT: Alright now, what can I do you for?  
  
One by one, each of the first years tried on the hat. The hat yelled out things like "Hufflepuff!" "Ravenclaw!" "Slytherin!" "Griffindor!" and "Tuna Salad!"  
  
When Hermione tried it on, it sorted her into Griffindor. Ron was also sorted into Griffindor, and Draco Malfoy was sorted into Slytherin. Harry came up and put on the hat.   
  
HARRY: Not Slytherin. Please don't sort me into Slytherin.  
  
HAT: Why not? Ya know, maybe I should just put you there to annoy you.  
  
HARRY: If you do, I'll make sure that you never open that little flap of yours again.  
  
HAT: GRIFFINDOR!!!!  
  
The Griffindor table cheered as Harry took a seat by Ron and the other perky redheads. As the last of the first years were sorted, their plates were suddenly filled with food and they all ate and drank and made merry and died. The End.   
  
......Ok, leave out the dying. They all stuffed their faces and the Griffindor people met their resident ghost, nearly headless nick.  
  
NHN: Yo.  
  
GRIFFINDOR PEOPLE: Yo.  
  
They talked a lot about magic stuff. Harry suddenly glanced up at the teacher table and saw....him. Snape, the potions teacher. Suddenly, Harry's scar burned. Then Dumbledore stood up and started talking.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Don't go to the third floor corridor if you want to live Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah.  
  
HARRY: What a screwball.  
  
RON: Yeah. Wonder what's with the third floor corridor.  
  
HARRY: Dunno.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Let's sing.  
  
HARRY: Is it just me or do we do that a lot here?  
  
And so they sing...a lot. Then the Griffindors went up to a portrait of a fat lady in a pink dress.  
  
FAT LADY: Password?  
  
PERCY: Caput Draconis.  
  
The portrait swings open to reveal the Griffindor common room.  
  
HERMIONE: That's a stupid password.  
  
FAT LADY: Hey, I didn't come up with it! Get in, you fools, before I close up.  
  
They went into the common room and went to their dormitories. Harry drifted to sleep. He had a dream that Quirrell's turban was telling him to transfer to slytherin and Snape and Malfoy were laughing at him. Then he dreamed that he was tap-dancing with a squirrel and the house points were changing and changing... and when he woke up, he didn't remember either of the dreams.  
  
And that was chapter seven. Chapter eight'll be up...whenever. Don't rush me. If you do, I will ensure that you will die. Have a nice summer. 


	8. The Potions Master Action Version

Well, I was just about to start writing this chapter when I realized that this fic doesn't have enough action! No car chases, bombs, guns, codenames, grenades, matrix moves, monsters, machines, lasers, karate, explosions, evil geniuses, master plans, more explosions, machine guns, lightsabers, missiles, cannons, kung fu, slo-mo stuff, smoke bombs, giant robots, aliens, pistols, or anything!   
  
So this chapter will not only have the plot of the story simplified, it will also contain large doses of action.  
  
AN: This is a suicide, either it works or it doesn't. It probably won't. Oh well. I'll get over it.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own a set of toenail clippers and a comb, but I don't own Harry Potter. The original book. I mean, I own a Harry Potter book, but not THE Harry Potter book. The one I own is a copy. Of the original one. Written by J. K. Roweling. Rowlling. Rowling. However you spell her name. I mean, she wrote my copy too, technically. But I didn't come up with the idea. To write the book. She did. On a train. In England. Or something. Yah.   
  
HARRY POTTER: SIMPLIFIED  
  
BOOK 1  
  
THE SORCERER'S STONE  
  
It was the next day. Harry Potter, millionaire British wizard, was just awaking from his sleep. He glanced around the dormitories as one thought raced through his mind.  
  
HARRY: It's quiet.  
  
The curtains to another bed swing open to reveal Harry's magical sidekick, Ronald Weasly.  
  
RON: Too quiet.  
  
Suddenly, the other Griffindors wake up, holding cattle prods. Their eyes are gleaming white, as if they had been brainwashed.  
  
HARRY: Their eyes are gleaming white, as if they have been brainwashed!  
  
RON: Yeah. (Eyes narrow) That's right. This looks like the work of Dr. Severus Snape!  
  
The Griffindor zombies approach, brandishing their cattle prods menacingly.  
  
SLO-MO ACTIONHarry and Ron leap out of their beds, doing matrix-type things while avoiding possible nasty third-degree burns.  
  
RON: Look! Across the room, there is an anti-zombie ray! How fortunate that it got there!  
  
Harry waves his wand, summoning the anti-zombie ray to him as the Griffindors come closer and closer, waving their cow-branders furiously.  
  
HARRY: Prod this, zombies!  
  
RON: Don't say that ever again, please.  
  
Harry fires his ray and the Griffindor zombies computer-generatingly turn back into Griffindors.   
  
SEAMUS: Thanks, Harry and Ron!  
  
HARRY: No problem, Seamus! But we need your help! You and the other Griffindors must help us get to our classes! We need you to fend off the legions of Potter fans, as well as the insidious Slytherins.  
  
SEAMUS: It's a risky business. But it seems this is the only way.   
  
Halfway out the portrait of the common room, the convoy stumbled into the poltergeist of doom, Peeves himself!  
  
RON: I'll take care of this!  
  
Ron does a backflip, three cartwheels, and lands with his wand pointing at Peeves.  
  
PEEVES: Oh, Ron! You really are too clever for the likes of me!  
  
Peeves flies off, crying.  
  
HARRY: Alright, let's go!  
  
Finally, they arrived at their classroom after fending off an army of Potter fans, led into battle by the powerful axe-wielding cat, Mrs. Norris.  
  
...They went through this ordeal many times a day, because there were many classes to go to. History of Magic, Herbology, Health class (As if we don't all have to go through THAT enough), Charms, Transfiguration, Defense against the Dark Arts, and worst of all, Potions class! Potions was taught by Dr. Snape the malicious.   
  
SEAMUS: Good thing we don't have that today, eh?  
  
HARRY: Yes. But tomorrow...(Close-Up) Tomorrow we do.  
  
RON: GASP!  
  
SEAMUS: What?!  
  
ASSORTED GRIFFINDORS: Egad!!!  
  
..........................................................................  
  
The next day, Harry got a letter from the wise and noble Hagrid-San, asking him to join him that afternoon for tea.  
  
HARRY: I will join you for tea, mighty Hagrid-San. But first, I have some unfinished business to attend to.  
  
They fought their way to potions class, where they were finally able to confront Dr. Snape, whose class was in the dungeons.  
  
SNAPE: Well, I'm pleased to see you made it this far. (Eyes glow) BUT NOW YOU WILL PAY!!!!  
  
HARRY: What do you want from me?!  
  
SNAPE: Answer....These questions!  
  
HARRY: Never!  
  
SNAPE: In that case, I will tell my hordes of Slytherin to attack!  
  
HARRY: No! I'll...answer the questions.  
  
RON: Don't do it Harry! It's not worth it!  
  
SNAPE: Silence! FIVE POINTS FROM GRIFFINDOR!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
RON: No....not the points....anything but the points....  
  
SNAPE: Harry! You must answer me these questions three! The first one....What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?  
  
HARRY: Your mama.  
  
SNAPE: No! Wrong! If you answer all three questions wrong, you lose the house cup!  
  
Harry felt his face go pale. (Paler then it already was)   
  
SNAPE: Question two! Where would you look if I told you to find me a bezoar?  
  
HARRY: Up your-  
  
SNAPE: Wrong again! Number three....What...is the average airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?   
  
HARRY: African or European?  
  
SNAPE: I...don't know....  
  
HARRY: Ha! Then victory is ours!  
  
GRIFFINDORS: YYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
SLYTHERINS: .................(Drool stupidly)  
  
SNAPE: I...hate you, Potter!  
  
HARRY: Likewise, Snape. We'll meet again some other day.  
  
......................................................................................................  
  
When Harry met with Hagrid-San, he was given some shocking news.  
  
HAGRID: Here is the latest news from the Gringotts robbery, young grasshopper.  
  
Harry stares at the paper, eyes widening.   
  
HARRY: They were trying to steal that funny package that you took from the vault earlier!  
  
HAGRID: Yes, grasshopper.  
  
HARRY: So then, somewhere out there...a darker evil is approaching..............  
  
END?  
  
That's chapter eight. I'm kinda happy with the way it turned out. Although I should've added some Imperial walkers or something in there somewhere. Later. 


	9. The Midnight Duel

Alright, little boys and girls! ...And those of you who would either classify as both or I just can't tell!  
  
It's STORY time!!! YAAAAAAAAY!  
Now, who wants to hear the story about the three little pigs?  
  
KIDS: We do!  
  
Once upon a time there were three little freakin' pigs. I hate them all. They each were equipped with an oozy and a standard submachine gun. Then along came the BIG BAD WOLF. HE WAS REALLY BIG BECAUSE HE HAD RECENTLY TAKEN AN OVERDOSE OF STEROIDS.  
So the three lil' pigs blew the hell out of the wolf and they all lived happily ever after.  
  
.......I have no idea why I wrote the above story just now. I may be going insane. I mean, more insane than I am already. I blame it on the fact that summer is ending and Im trying to have fun, but in the back of my head, there's this little thing saying, "SCHOOL WILL BE UPON YOU SOON! IT SHALL SMITE THEE! THOU SHALLT PERISH!!!!"  
There are a lot of chemicals in the water where I come from...  
  
DISCLAIMER: You know, it might be a good thing that I don't own Harry Potter. If I did, people would expect me to finish writing the books. If I did that, I'd just kill off all the characters and I would be hunted down by an angry mob.  
  
HARRY POTTER: SIMPLIFIED BOOK 1 THE SORCERER'S STONE  
  
Harry had never expected to meet someone he hated more than Dudley. But that was before he met Malfoy...As you could probably guess, Harry did not like Malfoy. And frankly...I don't like Malfoy or Harry. Or Neville. I hate Neville.  
  
NEVILLE: Why don't you like me?  
  
Because you are a vegetable.  
  
NEVILLE: What?!? Am not!!  
  
Are too.  
  
HARRY: HEY!!! Back to my story!  
  
NEVILLE: Why YOUR story? I'm just as important as you!  
  
HARRY: What's the name of the book?  
  
NEVILLE: ...Harry Potter and the-  
  
HARRY: SEE? HARRY POTTER, not UGLY VEGETABLE.  
  
NEVILLE: I'M NOT A-  
  
Shut up, will you? Now, anyway, Harry realized that they would have their first flying lessons with Malfoy and the other Slytherins.  
  
HARRY: Crap.  
  
RON: Yes. But this is an excellent opportunity to test my skills as a Keeper, seeing as I will make use of them in the fifth book, when I become keeper for the Griffindor team and suddenly save the team in a brilliant display of talent.  
  
But Harry doesn't listen. He is busy watching Malfoy snatch away Vegetable's weird red orb called a DontForgetOrWeWillPoundYourBloodyFaceIntoTheGround. But some people call it a Remembrall.  
  
NEVILLE: Give me back my Remembrall!  
  
MALFOY: Oh, just as soon as my hair stops being shiny from the excess of hair care products I use on it daily.  
  
CRABBE &GOYLE: (Stupidly) No, still shiny.  
  
MCGONAGALL: Give the little veggie back his Remembrall.  
  
MALFOY: Fine.....but I'll be back.  
  
Malfoy grabs his gun, hops on the back of a random motorcycle and drives off.  
  
Later, out in the courtyard....or front lawn....or....field....or something......, they were starting flying lessons. Madam Hooch, the awesome yellow-eyed teacher, walked onto the court...field.....thing.  
  
HOOCH: I HAVE A VERY FUNNY SOUNDING LAST NAME. ALMOST AS FUNNY AS "DINKLEHEIMER" OR "HICCUP." I ALSO SPEAK IN CAPS, JUST BECAUSE THERE IS NO RULE SAYING I CAN'T.  
  
HARRY: I pick my nose for the same reason.  
  
HOOCH: WALK OVER TO A BROOM AND SAY "UP." BUT SAY IT RIGHT BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO GET WACKED IN THE HEAD WHEN IT FLIES UP. IF YOU HAVE EVER SEEN A PICTURE OF SOMEONE BEING HIT WITH A BROOM, YOU WOULD KNOW THAT SUCH PICTURES ARE VERY VALUABLE. I PAID $20 FOR MINE.  
  
Harry walks over to his broom and says up. The broom comes straight up to his hand. Ron, just for kicks, says down. He is hit in the head with a falling salmon. Malfoy's broom came to his hand as well. After they all had their brooms in hand, they were about to kick off from the ground.  
  
HOOCH: KICK OFF FROM THE GROUND IN 5...4...3...2...BADGER. I DIDN'T SAY 1.  
  
But at this time, Neville's broom soars off the ground. He flies around in Fighter jet strike patterns for a while before crashing to the ground.  
  
NEVILLE: I feel....  
  
HARRY & RON: Happyyyyyyyy!!!  
  
NEVILLE: No, but I'm in incredible pain. I broke my wrist, I think.  
  
HOOCH: WHILE I TAKE VEGETABLE TO THE HOSPITAL WING, NOBODY GET ANY CLEVER IDEAS, LIKE STEALING NEVILLE'S REMEMBRALL AND THROWING IT AT THE GROUND.  
  
So as soon as Hooch leaves, Malfoy does just that. Except Harry grabs it before it hits the ground.  
  
ASSORTED GRIFFINDORS: yaaaayyyyyyy Harry!!!!  
  
MCGONAGALL: Harry P. Potter!!!!  
  
HERMIONE: What's the P for?  
  
RON: I....don't know.....  
  
McGonagall took Harry over to one of the Defense Against the Dark Artists Classes. In this one, they were learning how to stop a rampaging Da Vinci.  
  
MCGONAGALL: Could I see Wood for a moment?  
  
Wood came out and introduced himself as Wood.  
  
WOOD: I am Wood.  
  
MCGONAGALL: Harry, you will become a Seeker on the Griffindor Quidditch team.  
  
HARRY: I'm a whoosit on a querky bean?  
  
MCGONAGALL: Shut up.  
  
Later at the Great Hall (Which is like a Not-So-Great Hall, only Greater), Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat discussing how great Harry is, when the Malfoy and the two mindless thugs came over.  
  
MALFOY: I challenge you to a wizard's duel! Tonight at midnight in the trophy room!  
  
HARRY: If the plot of this story wasn't moving so quickly and I had time to contemplate my decision, I would decline.  
  
MALFOY: Ummm, right. See you at 12.  
  
They finished eating their lunch, interrupted constantly by that stupid idiot, Hermione. I personally think she's almost as bad as Vegetable.  
  
That night, Harry and Ron went out through the corridors, making their way to the trophy room. Hermione, being stupid as usual, got locked out of the Griffindor common room.  
  
HERMIONE: I come with now.  
  
RON: No. You stay.  
  
HERMIONE: You gay. I come with.  
  
Halfway to the tropht room, they met up with vegetable. He came with them to the trophy room. But Malfoy wasn't at the trophy room. Instead they heard the voice of Filch, the annoying janitor-type person.  
  
FILCH: Sniff around, Mrs. Norrisssss, they could be anywhere.  
  
The four amigos edged down the hallway, trying to escape from Filch. But Neville, being the vegetable that he is, knocked over a suit of armor, so they had to  
  
HARRY: RUN!!!!!!!  
  
Running down hallways, they finally reached a door-but it was locked.  
  
RON: FUINDMNSTUPID$$H0!EOHK!  
HERMIONE: ALOHOMORA!  
  
The door swung open and they all ran inside.  
After Filch had passed, they looked behind them. They saw....NEVILLE!!!  
  
HARRY: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!----Wait. You were already here.  
  
Then they saw......A GIANT THREE HEADED DOG!!!!!!!  
  
PEOPLE: ........................  
  
I'm serious!!!!!!  
  
PEOPLE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
They ran all the way back to the common room, where Hermione asked them an important question.  
  
HERMIONE: Did you see what it was standing on?!?  
  
HARRY, RON, AND NEVILLE: ........No.  
  
That's all for now. Chapter 10 up whenever. I have two days-sorry-one day left before school and I MUST HAVE FUN!!!!!!!! 


	10. Halloween

There's apparently some kind of name-changing epidemic going around. Already, two people have been claimed by It's cruel harshness.  
Before you know it, you'll come down with all the symptoms! You'll begin to consider calling yourself strange things that sound like something from the Lord of the Rings, like "Flagodirt" and "Grempkin"!  
Eventually, you'll begin to include the names of random people and things from movies and-or boy bands!  
Ex.: "Good Aragorlotte."  
After that, you finalize your new name and post it on !  
Then you die.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I'll give you three guesses as to what I should say here. Go on, guess.  
  
HARRY POTTER: SIMPLIFIED BOOK 1 THE SORCERER'S STONE  
  
HARRY: Well, now that we know that the three-headed dog that nearly dismembered us was standing on a trapdoor, we can automatically assume that that is where the funny little package from Gringotts is hidden.  
  
RON: Um....right.  
  
HERMIONE: Well, let's try and figure out why the package is down there!  
  
HARRY: How?  
  
RON: Let's do the NOODLE DANCE!!!!!!!! Noooodle, do the noooodle daaaaance!  
  
HERMIONE: Never again, Ron.  
  
RON: Sorry. It's all...uh...Neville's fault!  
  
NEVILLE: Why are you always blaming everything on me?!?  
  
HARRY: Because, Neville, we don't like you.  
  
NEVILLE: That's not true! You're only saying that because the writer of this fanfic is forcing you too!  
  
Hey! Shush, you!  
  
NEVILLE: You shut up, Mr. Stupid Narrator Guy! I've always put up with you, but not this time! You're always calling me "Vegetable" and making fun of me! Well, not anymore! You're going down!  
  
HARRY: Um, Neville?  
  
NEVILLE: What?  
  
HARRY: Exactly how do you plan on destroying a disembodied voice?  
  
NEVILLE: ..................um.....well....  
  
That's what I thought. Now, let's continue.  
  
RON: I really don't care about that funny package. All I want to do is get back at that Malfoy kid!  
  
HARRY: Luckily, today during breakfast, I will get a chance to do just that.  
  
HERMIONE: How do you know that's going to happen?  
  
HARRY: Um...It's an inspired guess.  
  
Later, during breakfast:  
  
During the arrival of the mail, several screech owls carry a large package to where Harry and Ron and Hermione and Neville and Seamus and Dean and Upholstery and Wood are sitting.  
The package is for Harry, so he opens it.  
  
RON: That's a-  
  
HARRY: Bundle of clean underwear! Hooray, It's here!  
  
Then, several more screech owls carry a different large package to where Harry and Ron and Hermione and Neville and Seamus and Dean and Upholstery and Wood are sitting.  
  
HERMIONE: Who's Upholstery??  
  
UPHLOSTERY: I am.  
  
HERMIONE: Oh, okay.  
  
The package is for Harry, so he opens it.  
  
HARRY: It's a Nimbus 2000, a very fast racing broom that will give me the edge in a game of Quidditch, but unfortunately it will be smashed by the whomping willow in a later book, so I will be given a Firebolt instead by my godfather, Sirius Black, who can turn into a black dog, but I'm not supposed to know any of this so never mind.  
  
RON: Um, yeah. What he said.  
  
MALFOY: A nimbus 2000, eh Potter?  
  
HARRY: Yeah! And my broom is betta than yours!  
  
MALFOY: Crap. That's unfair.  
  
HARRY: Yes, I know. Nyah Nyah Poo Poo!  
  
At seven O'clock that night, Harry went off toward the Quidditch fields to learn how to play Quidditch. Oliver Wood would be teaching him.  
  
WOOD: OK, Potter. Yer wastin my valuable time, so let's get this over with.  
  
HARRY: Alright.  
  
WOOD: The first of the four balls is called the quaffle. The chasers on each team try to throw the quaffle through one of the opponent's three hoops. Let's pretend your head is a hoop, Potter.  
  
WHACK  
  
WOOD: Got it? Good. The next 2 balls are called bludgers. They race around and try to knock you off your broom. Let's pretend you're on a broom, Potter.  
  
THUD  
  
CRACK  
  
HARRY: My nothe ib bleedig, Wood.  
  
WOOD: That's supposed to happen. It's a good thing.  
  
HARRY: okaaay...  
  
WOOD: The last ball's called the golden snitch. Since you're a seeker, your job is to catch the snitch. Usually, if you catch the snitch, you win. However, the snitch is very fast. Let me demonstrate It's speed.  
  
BAM  
  
HARRY: Wooud, ah dow veel so goood....  
  
Harry faints and wakes up in the hospital wing. Once he regains feeling in his face, Harry rejoins Ron and Hermione in Charms class. Hermione rubs her talent in everybody's face.  
  
HERMIONE: Hey, look! I can make this feather float! But see that Ron kid over there? He CAN'T make HIS feather float.  
  
After class, Ron made Hermione cry by saying she had no friends. She ran and cried in the bathroom while everyone else had a Halloween banquet.  
While they were eating, someone burst into the hall! It was--- Dubya!  
  
DUBYA: Hooray! Four more years! Four more years!  
  
SCHOOL IN GENERAL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Then someone ELSE burst into the hall! It was--- Quirrel!  
  
QUIRREL: There's a troll in the dungeons.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Rock on.  
  
HARRY: Hermione doesn't know about the troll! We have to warn her!  
  
RON: Aw, man. Do we have to?  
  
HARRY: No, but let's do it anyway.  
  
They left the great hall and scurried along the castle until they reached the girl's room. But when they got there, they saw that the troll had left the dungeons and was approaching the bathroom.  
  
HERMIONE: EEEEKKK! A troll!  
  
TROLL: You're not so pretty yourself, girl.  
  
Harry bursts into the bathroom, wielding his wand.  
  
RON: Harry, you're not supposed to go in there. That's the GIRL'S bathroom.  
  
HARRY: Oh. Troll, can we continue our battle out there?  
  
TROLL: Go yourself.  
  
RON: OOOOO! He said an uh-oh!  
  
HERMIONE: Help! I have no wand and am about to be killed by this horribly ugly troll!  
  
TROLL: Well, I say! What a nasty girl!  
  
RON: Wingardium Leviosa!  
  
Ron yells the spell at the top of his lungs and DBZ music comes on. The bathroom stalls collapse as well as all the sinks.  
  
RON: YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Ron's bright red hair turns yellow and sticks straight up in the air!  
  
RON: Hah! Meet... RON-KU!!!!! KAMEHAMEHA!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Ron blasts the troll into oblivion, then turns back to normal.  
  
HARRY: Well, Ron. That was...interesting.  
  
McGonagall comes in and gives them 5 points for Griffindor, then leaves.  
  
HARRY: Hoorah!  
  
HERMIONE: Are you "Hoorah-ing" because we just got 5 points?  
  
HARRY: No, I'm just glad McGonagall left. She smells funny.  
  
HERMIONE: Oh, okay. Now we're all friends!  
  
RON: Um, we were already friends before this happened.  
  
HERMIONE: I know, but in the actual book, we don't become friends till now.  
  
End of chapter 10.  
  
There you go. Chapter ten. Yeehaw.  
Probably not another update again for a while.  
School's awful. Somebody help me, I'm failing Math. 


	11. Quidditch

I'm baaaaaaaack! Cue the general screaming and running away of the public. Now, I'd just like to say to all you people, block scheduling is soooo much better than ...not block scheduling. And let me just say that I PASSED MATH! With a 74! HOORAH!  
Yessiree, so now I'ma do that thing I do with the words and the potter and the writing and the disclaiming. Speaking of which: 

DISCLAIMER: Own Harry Potter, I do not. Talking like Yoda, I love. The movie Titanic (which own I do not) I hate.

HARRY POTTER: SIMPLIFIED

BOOK 1

THE SORCERER'S STONE

We join our hero, Harry J. Potter, as he continues on his quest!

HARRY: What quest? And...my middle name doesn't start with a J!

Oh, but it does!

HARRY: Does not! My middle name starts with a 7!

...A 7?

HARRY: Yes, a 7! Boy, you must feel stupid right now! Getting my middle initial wrong; what a moron you are.

Um...suuure. Tell me, your mother and father, were they...um...I dunno...mentally ill?

HARRY: Why yes, how did you know?

Never mind, Mr. 7. Never mind. Anyways, let's continue our story, shall we?

HARRY: Okey-dokey.

Don't say that. Now, Harry, your Quidditch season has begun! You'll get to fly around on a broom and try to find a tiny little flying thing while avoiding being clobbered by various objects.

HARRY: Like what?

A quaffle ball, bludgers, other players, Dick Cheney...

HARRY: Sounds like fun!

RON: Sure does!

HARRY: Aah! Where the heck did you come from?

RON: Well, Harry, when a mommy witch and a daddy wizard-

HERMIONE: Let's not go there!

NEVILLE: What's going on?

RON: We're teaching Harry about the birds and the bees.

NEVILLE: That whole birds and the bees thing doesn't make sense. Wouldn't a bird eat a bee? And wouldn't a bee sting a bird?

RON: Neville, Neville,...you see, when a mommy witch and-

HERMIONE: No! Stop it, Ron. You'll scare the little vegetable.

NEVILLE: I'm not a bloody vegetable!

SNAPE: Yes, you are.

HARRY: Where the heck did YOU come from?

SNAPE: You see, when a mommy witch and a da-

HERMIONE: KNOCK IT OFF!

HARRY: Hey, Snapey, why are you limping?

SNAPE: That's none of your business, Potter. And don't call me "Snapey." 26 points from Griffindor!

With that, Snape hobbles away. When Harry follows him for reasons that exist only in the book, he sees that Snapey's leg is bloody and mangled, as if some large 3-headed dog had used it as a chew toy. Harry runs back to tell Hermione and Ron the urgent news! (Neville's not here. Maybe he's out somewhere peeing himself, who knows)

HARRY: I have urgent news!

RON AND HERMIONE: What!

HARRY: 3-Headed Chew Toy would be an awesome name for a rock band!

And so the three of them form the rock band, 3-Headed Chew Toy, but first Harry tells them the _OTHER_ important news!

HARRY: Snapey boy was trying to sneak past the 3-headed dog at Halloweeen!

RON: Rock on.

HERMIONE: But then what's the dog guarding?

HARRY: I don't know. I just don't know.

The next morning, Harry got ready for his first Quidditch match. Wood gave them a pep talk, and Harry got onto his Nimbus 2,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 racing broom. They flew into the air and faced the Slytherin team, a team made up entirely of genetically mutated, gigantic thugs, all named Igor.

HOOCH: I'M STILL SPEAKING IN CAPS! IS'NT THAT COOL? LET THE GAME BEGIN!

After a high speed, computer generated display of a bunch of kids on brooms throwing balls at each other, Harry's broom goes haywire.

HARRY: Help! My broom's gone haywire! Hermione, look into your binoculars and find Snapey, who appears to be muttering a curse, however you can see Quirrel on the corner of the screen, also muttering. But remember to focus only on Snapey! Then secretly go set his robes on fire and make him jump up, knocking Quirrel down in the process!

HERMIONE: Um, ok...

Hermione does just what Harry said, and before long, Potter is back on his broom.

HARRY: gasp! The Snitch! I must catch it!

Harry zooms away after the little gold ball from Hades. However, the Slytherin seeker had also seen the Snitch, and they raced neck and neck toward it. Down toward the field, Harry pulled up and stood on his broom, following the snitch. At the last second, Harry tripped and fell. When he stood up, he choked and gagged, then spit out the gold demon ball.

HARRY: I feel faint!

Harry faints, and wakes up to see the face of Professor Gilderoy Lockhart.

LOCKHART: Don't worry, Harry, this won't hurt much.

HARRY: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! Wait! We just skipped a book!

Harry wakes up on the Quidditch field. Griffindor fans pick Harry up and carry him to Hagrid's hut, where he gets some tea.

HAGRID: Now, kids, Snape's a good person. He's not about to take what's under fluffy the three-headed dog.

HARRY: Well, what is fluffy guarding?

HAGRID: That's only between Dumbledore, Nicholas Cage, Leonardo DeCaprio, Sean Connery, Eric Idle, Dave Barry, and Nicholas Flamel.

HARRY: Oh, so there's someone called Nicholas Flamel involved in this?

HAGRID: Perhaps I've said too much. Now, Harry, I've decided to teach you about something called, "The Birds And The Bees"

END OF CHAPTER 11.

And as my final remark:  
Don't do drugs! Stay in school! Suicide is a bad thing to do!


	12. The Mirror of Erised

Ok, I'm sitting at home right now on a Saturday right now and right now, I have nothing better to do than to update my fanfic. Right now.  
So, without further adeau...adoo, however you spell it,  
Chapter 12! _**THE MIRROR OF ERISED!**_

DISCLAIMER: As far as you nerds know, I could own the whole freakin planet. But I do not own this... howdoyousay... "Harry Potter"

HARRY POTTER: SIMPLIFIED

BOOK 1

THE SORCERER'S STONE

HARRY, RON, & HERMIONE: Oh, Christmas is coming and Neville's really fat! Let's all gather round and hit him with a bat!

NEVILLE: Hey! I'm not fat, I'm big boned!

HARRY: Yep. REALLY big boned. Really really really really REALLY big boned. Really-

NEVILLE: Knock it off, scar head!

Neville punches Harry so hard, Harry's face breaks and dribbles onto the floor in the form of a green ooze.  
No, just kidding. Neville's too much of a wimp to do that. Instead, Neville runs off, crying.

HARRY: Now, let's go to our next exciting class!

HERMIONE: You mean potions? That's not exciting.

HARRY: Potions? I thought we had Herbology next! Noooooooo!

Later in potions class...

MALFOY: Instead of my normal methods of cleverly dissing Harry, I'm going to outright call Harry several profane names in the middle of the class!

Malfoy does so, very loudly.

HARRY: Snapey! Oh, SNAPEY! Did you hear what Malfoy called me?

SNAPE: Yes. His words were inexcusable. Malfoy!

MALFOY: Yeah?

SNAPE: There are much more interesting profanities to be calling Harry! Here's an example.

Snape calls Harry several interesting profane names, as well as makes fun of him because he has to stay at Hogwarts for Christmas. After potions class, Harry, Ron and Hermione head down to the library.

HERMIONE: Oooh! The library! I love this place! Books books books! So much fun! Yaaaaaay!

HARRY & RON: Oo

HERMIONE: Stop giving me computer keyboard generated looks and help me research Nicholas Flamel!

They searched everywhere for information on Nicky Flam, but found nothing. The only place they didn't check was the restricted section. This part of the library contained shelves of dark magic and evil books.

HERMIONE: It's physically impossible to lick your elbow.

HARRY: What the... Stop getting off topic!

HERMIONE: When you bend you hand back, a little bump appears on your wrist that feels liquidy when you poke it.

HARRY:...Anyways...we need a signed note from a teacher to get into the restricted section. That bites.

RON: OK, I haven't said anything since the song at the beginning of the chapter! I'm going to talk now!

Later, at the common room...

RON: Hey, wait! I-

Later, outside in the dark forest...

RON: Knock it o-

Back at the common room...

RON: Never mind.

HARRY: Now, we have the whole common room to ourselves, since everybody else, including Hermione and Neville, went home for Christmas.

RON: Cool. Now, I'm gonna teach you how to play wizard chess! See this little piece? This is called a pawn. This is a bishop. This is a pope. This is a knight, this is a rook, this is a rudebaga, this is a queen, this is a king, and this is a lawyer.

HARRY: What's the lawyer for?

RON: If your pawns need to file lawsuits.

HARRY: Ah. I see.

Ron continued to tutor Harry on wizard chess right up till Christmas Eve. At that point, they hit the hay. No, literally. They actually hit the hay. Maybe there was a cow in the dormitories or something.  
Anyway, the next morning, Harry awoke the find presents at the foot of his haystack.

little side note here. Have you ever noticed that Harry rarely gives anybody else presents? What a selfish little -bleep- he is!

RON: What a selfish little bleep you are!

HARRY: PRESENTS FOR ME! Presentspresentspresentspresents... It's...A CELL PHONE!

RON: I got a sweater.

HARRY: And I got.. A NEW CAR!

RON: I got candy.

HARRY: My very own CRUISE LINE! Hoorah!

RON: Lucky you.

HARRY: Omigawsh! A piece of...cloth...

HERMIONE: That's an invisibility cloak! If you wear it, you become invisible.

RON: Where the heck did you come from!

HERMIONE: When a mommy witch and a daddy wizard-

HARRY: Hey, that was last chapter!

HERMIONE: Oh. Um. Bye then.

RON: So then, Harry, with your new cloak, you can sneak around unseen!

HARRY: But who sent it?

RON: I'm not supposed to know this yet, but this is given to you by Albus Dumbledore. This belonged to your Daddy before he died.

HARRY: Ah. But of course, we have no idea about this right now.

RON: Exactly.

That night, there was a Christmas feast. Hagrid got drunk, Dumbledore wore women's clothing...in other words, nothing new.  
Later that night, Harry donned his cloak when everyone else went to bed. H crept out of the Gryffindor tower and approached the restricted section of the library. To Harry's stupidity, he opened a screaming book, which started to- here's a surprise- scream very loudly.

HARRY: Oh crap.

FILCH: Fee Fi Fo Fum! I'm high on drugs and liquor and rum! If I catch a student I'll bite off their thumb! Fee Fi Fo Fum!

Harry, invisible, flees like a rat from a toaster down the hallways, escaping from Filch and hiding in an old, unused classroom.

HARRY: Oh my goodness gracious me! There's a mirror at the end of this room!

In the mirror, instead of his reflection, Harry saw the Bush administration! Dubya, Rice, etc.

HARRY: It's so horrible! I need to show Ron!

Harry ran back and woke up Ron. The two of them, hiding under the cloak, found the room again.

HARRY: See? See? The whole Bush administration!

RON: What are you talking about? I see the Clinton administration.

For the next few nights, Harry returned to gawk at the mirror and the politicians it showed. Finally, one night...

DUMBLEDORE: Harry, this is the mirror of Erised.

HARRY: Ack! Where the- I didn't see you there.

DUMBLEDORE: This mirror shows us politicians, and nothing more. Desirable as the mirror is, I must ask to never to come back to see it. It will be moved to a new location anyway.

HARRY: And what do you see in the mirror?

DUMBLEDORE: I see Nixon AND Reagan.

HARRY: Woah. Thats's deep.

END of Chapter.

I'm hungry. Need food. Beef jerkey!


	13. Nicolas Flamel

Canst thou believeth that summer tis nearly done? It seems like only yesterday that it was yesterday, and it seemed like only the day before yesterday that it was the last day of school. Which means today seems like only the second day of summer, instead of it being August 13.  
Sigh.  
Life seems quite short when you waste it away playing James Bond 007 Nightfire.  
But who cares? That game kicks ass...assin.

DISCLAIMER: Yeah, whatever. I don't own this book, blah blah blah. I might just kill J.K. Rowling and steal the deed to the books (If there is one) just to not have to write this stupid disclaimer anymore.

By the way, am I actually REQUIRED to write a disclaimer? Does anyone know?

HARRY POTTER:

SIMPLIFIED BOOK1

THE SORCERER'S STONE

----------------------------------------------------------

Hermione's a retard. Everyone knows that. In the first book alone, she was able to surpass Neville in sheer obnoxious-ness.  
(Of course, Neville proved in later books that he was twice the moron Hermione was, which is why I write of Neville with so much hatred/disgust)  
The point is, I'd like to take the opportunity to point out to all you poor, confused, probably drunk 37-year old Harry Potter addicts that Hermione is someone who just needs a good slap in the face.  
If any of you disagree, please write it in your required reviews, and I just might read them! Maybe!  
Anyways, on with the story.

The poor Hogwarts Trio had almost given up hope on ever finding information on the elusive Nicky Flam.

HARRY: I haven't!

Shut up.

HARRY: grumble...Stupid disembodied narrator...one of these days i'll...

Shut up. With that comment, Harry burst into tears.

HARRY: NO I DIDN'T!

Did too. I can see it in your eyes. You're on the verge of a breakdown.

HARRY: WHAT?

Moving on. With the news that Snape was to be refereeing the next Quiddith match, Harry cried again. But his sobbing was interrupted by someone bursting through the open portrait hole into the common room! It was-

HERMIONE: It's Neville!

RON: It's HERMIONE!

HARRY: It's HARRY!

NEVILLE: BUTTER TOAST!

HERMIONE: Wait! It really is Neville!

NEVILLE: Wow, you're bright.

RON: What's of the matter with thy legs, knave?

NEVIILE: Malfoy stuck 'em together with a gluestick or something... And don't call me knave, you peasant.

RON: An outrage! A proposterousity!

HERMIONE: That's not a word, blockhead.

RON: You foul whench!

HARRY: Here's a chocolate frog, Neville. Go unstick your legs.

Neville ate the frog, then handed Harry the collectible card that came in the package and hobbled away.

HARRY: Ooh! Check it out! I got the Winged Bagel of Ra!

HERMIONE: No, It's a Dumbledore card. And in his description, it says he worked with Nicholas Flamel! I'll be right back!

She raced away, then returned with a gigantic old book.

HERMIONE: I forgot that I checked this book out of the library. It has information on Nicolas Flamel!

HARRY: You mean Nicky Flam. And if you're so smart, how could you forget about checking out a huge smelly book.

HERMIONE: Shut yer mouth, fool! Nicolas Flamel is the only known maker of the SORCERER'S STONE!

RON: The what?

HERMIONE: Nicolas Flamel is the only known maker of the SORCERER'S STONE!

RON: Yeah, I heard you. What is the SORCERER'S STONE?

HERMIONE: It's a pretty rock.

HARRY: ...

HERMIONE: And also it can transform metal into gold and make an elixir that gives you everlasting life.

RON: Me...want...pretty rock.

HARRY: So Snape must be after the stone being guarded by the big 3-headed dog!

HERMIONE: It would appear that way.

RON: We wants it...

HERMIONE: What's wrong with you, Smeagol? I mean, Ron?

RON: We needs the precious... precious rock...

Hermione promptly punches Ron in the face.

RON: We...needs...ibuprofen...

The next day, another Quiddith game began. Griffindor vs. Hufflepuff, with Snape as referee. Luckily for Harry, Dumbledore was watching, which meant Sanpe wouldn't favor Hufflepuff too much.

As the game progressed, Malfoy came over to where Harry, Hermione, and Neville were sitting and made fun of Neville and Ron. Then, Neville and Ron attacked Goyle, Crabbe, and Malfoy, causing a gang war

Meanwhile, Harry had caught the snitch. The game was over. As he walked toward the broomshed after the game, he noticed a cloaked figure running toward the forbidden forest. He could tell it was Snape.

He flew above him as Snape entered the forest. Harry landed in a tree and watched as Snape met Quirrel.

QUIRREL: W-wh-why -d-d-d-d-diddd ya-ye-yi-ya-y-y-y-ya you-ooooo w-w-w-w-w-w-ww-w-ww-w-w-wwwwwwwww-w-w-w-3-wsw-sw-s-sa0dreuf7tr76c$#ERTD)T#$#WT(&, Snape?

SNAPE: Because, I wanted to ask you if you've found out how to get past that beast of Hagrid's?

QUIRREL: W-w-well, I ...I-I-I IutjYTF$&$U&IT&R$...no.

SNAPE: Quirrel, It's time to decide where your loyalties lie? The dark side or the light side? Sith or Jedi? Gollum or Smeagol? Abbot or Costello?

QUIRREL: Um..

SNAPE: We'll have another chat soon.

Harry returned to Griffindor tower and was greeted by Ron.

HARRY: Get Hermione. We have something to discuss.

After Harry told them the story...

RON: There's probably some dark arts magic protecting the stone that Snape needs to know how to get past.

HERMIONE: So the stone is only safe as long as Quirrel stands up to The Snape?

HARRY: Um, sure. We'll go with that.

HERMIONE: That won't be very long.

RON: Wow, that sure sucks.

SNAPE: No shit.


End file.
